Dads Change Diapers Too”: Negotiating Gendered Parenting Discourses on Reddit Parenting Forums

Digital media can reflect and reify normative expectations in the non-digital world. Parents are increasingly engaging with online media to seek information and support. Online parenting forums therefore act as key windows into current perceptions surrounding parenthood and child rearing. My study aims to investigate differences in parenting expectations between mothers and fathers on online parenting forums. I conducted a cyber ethnography of two Reddit subforums, Mommit and Daddit, to investigate how parents negotiate gendered parenting discourses on these two parenting subforums. Using a grounded theory approach, I extract key themes surrounding mothering and fathering expectations relating to (1) parental responsibilities, (2) women and men’s self-identity as parents, and (3) mothers’ and fathers’ relationships with their partners. My discourse analysis reveals that both Mommit and Daddit work to deconstruct certain normative pressures surrounding motherhood and fatherhood, but simultaneously reaffirm traditional gendered parenting expectations. These forums act as an avenue for users to deconstruct expectations that frustrate users: Daddit users contest the expectation that fathers are not apt child carers, and Mommit users contest the expectation that women are exclusively, and naturally skilled, child carers. However, at the same time, users cannot fully escape normative pressures, and indeed these forums reinforce a gendered primary-secondary divide between mothers and fathers in caretaking responsibilities and practices.


Introduction
Motherhood and fatherhood can be understood as "constituted" ideologies, socially informed by normative expectations about how women and men with children 'should' act in given places and times (Mackenzie, 2018). As such, cultural expectations, social constraints, and personal histories inform parental identity. This identity continues to be shaped by, and exist in, gendered terms.
Dominant gendered discourses are also embedded in, and mediated by, digital technology. As Franklin (1999, p. 1) asserts "technology has built the house in which we all live." Technology and society are thus mutually constituted: society informs technology, just as technology shapes social relations and power systems (Franklin, 1999). As a result, technology influences information acquisition, everyday life, and human behaviour. Digital socio-technologic practices can include and exclude particular identities by validating particular normative beliefs, and in the process, excluding those who do not fit within recognized standards.
Online parenting forums provide one example in which we can observe technology's ability to reify power systems. This paper analyses how motherhood and fatherhood are constituted on two subforums of Reddit, Mommit and Daddit. By examining posting behaviour, as well as user discussion around parenthood responsibilities, parental identity, and partner relationship dynamics, I address the following question: how do parents negotiate gendered parenting discourses on Mommit and Daddit? I argue that these two online communities challenge mothering and fathering norms, but simultaneously reproduce gendered parenting expectations. My discourse analysis reveals how Mommit contests expectations that women are exclusively, naturally skilled, child carers. However, mothers on Mommit are still subject to traditional roles as primary caregivers, responsible for 'cultivating' their children and for regulating fathers' involvement in care. Daddit, on the other hand, contests expectations that fathers are not apt child carers, empowering men to deconstruct hegemonically masculine conceptions about fathering. However, fathering ideals on Daddit are still heavily gendered and promote fathers as involved, but secondary, caregivers. Thus, though these online communities provide a space to counter parenting norms, a gendered divide remains, positioning mothers as primary caregivers and fathers as secondary caregivers.
It is crucial to note that I do not wish to replicate a gender binary in this investigation of gendered parenting expectations. Gender is fluid and, simply, a parent does not need to be either a woman or a man. That said, critically analysing current gendered parenthood expectations related to motherhood and fatherhood reveals normative pressures at play in the digital and non-digital world.

Background: Gender, Parenting, and Virtual Spaces
This research draws connections between family studies, feminist theory, and computermediated communication (CMC) research.
In recent years, many family and feminist social scientists have found that the traditional hegemonic caretaking dividein which fathers provide economic support, while mothers provide Feldman childcare supportis dissolving in favour of more egalitarian co-parenting (Mackenzie, 2018;Palkovitz et al., 2014;Fulcher, 2015;Shirani et al., 2012, Kaplan & Knoll, 2019. Although the breadwinner-caregiver model has faded, the family system continues to influence modern families. Fulcher et al. (2015) argue that even in modern co-parenting relationships, mothers remain the primary caregivers while fathers have become "more involved" secondary caregivers. The father, although increasingly important to family life, is expected to fulfill a supportive role on the side of the mother (Fulcher et al. 2015). Furthermore, Puhlman and Pasley describe the phenomenon "maternal gatekeeping," in which a mother regulates a father's participation in household and child management, perpetuating a gendered division in domestic work (Puhlman & Pasley, 2017). Overall, current research asserts that, even with women's participation in the workforce and men's participation in childcare, dominant parenting discourses maintain a gendered division of care.
Amidst the demands of parenthood and pressure from evolving parenting ideals, it is unsurprising that parents may turn to the internet in search of information, support, and community. Online parenting forums are interactive media that offer spaces for parents to ask questions, share experiences, express frustrations, and build connections (Penderson & Smithson, 2013;Brady and Geurin, 2010;Madge & O'Connor, 2006;Rashely, 2005;Moravec, 2011). In interviews with UK mothers, Pedersen and Smithson (2013) found that mothers report using online parenting forums because interactions are with anonymous strangers, creating a non-judgemental space in which parents feel free to be vulnerable and candid.
Throughout the 1990s and early 2000s, many scholars were keen to understand the relationship between offline and online identity. CMC research poses questions about digital interactions: does the online world allow users to separate from their offline identity, or do users remain grounded in their non-digital selves? If identifiers like gender, ethnicity, or age are invisible online, then some scholars suggest that the internet can be a space for "disembodiment" (Slater, 2002). Herring (1995) argues that a user is de-contextualized online because of their anonymity. This decontextualization allows and/or encourages individuals to speak freely, unrestrained from their non-virtual identity and socially imposed communication norms (Herring, 1995). Others challenge the notion of disembodiment, arguing that the online world is contingent on offline culture. Cohen (2007) argues that cyberspaces are the "extension and evolution" of non-digital space. Consequently, gendered structures in the non-digital world exist in, and are reconstituted, online. That being said, Suler (2004) adds that online invisibility may not disconnect a user from their offline identity, but may nonetheless encourage intimate disclosure or candour, because users are not held accountable to their offline selves. These questions surrounding CMC are pertinent to investigating parental presence in cyberspace.
Founded in 2003, and characterized by its claim to be "the front page of the internet," Reddit.com was the fourth most visited website in United States, and sixth most visited in the world in 2018 (Anderson, 2015, cited in Record et al. 2018. Despite its variety of users, Reddit is dominated by English-speaking individuals from Western countries, a majority from the United States (Record et al., 2018). On the whole, a disproportionate number of Reddit users are young men (Barthel et al., 2016), however, demographics vary across subforums, which contain conversations about a specific topic. Most content on Reddit is visible to the public without an account, but an account is required to post or comment on a 'thread' (one conversation on a subforum). Users also have the ability to 'upvote' and 'downvote' individual threads. Upvoting a Feldman thread increases its visibility on the subforum's page, moving it closer to the top of the list of threads, while downvoting a thread decreases its visibility by moving it lower on the page. The upvote/downvote system is significant because Reddit not only showcases posting and commenting behaviour, but also displays community preference. This system allows users to both reproduce normative standards in cyberspace, and to construct norms in real time, with users deeming some posts more deserving of visibility than others. Users can also create anonymous profiles without verifying identity: making an account requires only an email address, a username, and a password. The lack of personal identifying information can "increase participation," but also "removes user accountability" (Kilgo et al., 2018, p. 471). Reddit's anonymity promotes disinhibition (e.g. flaming, trolling, illegal or taboo discussions), but acts as a "unique opportunity to express emotions online" (Moore & Abetz, 2019, p. 395).
Reddit's popularity, anonymity, and male dominance offer an important vehicle for investigating gendered parenting online. Previous research on online parenting forums have repeatedly found popular parenting sites are marketed to, and primarily used by, women (Rashely, 2005;Brady & Guerin, 2010;Madge & O'Connor, 2006;Moravec, 2011). At most, these websites will have one page dedicated to fathers, but posting activity remains limited. Parent chat groups made for fathers do exist, but are rare and attract only a small community of users (Salzmann-Erikson & Eriksson, 2012). Reddit therefore provides unusually comparable forums, Mommit and Daddit, to investigate gendered parenting discourses online in akin male-dominated and femaledominated digital ecologies.
Minimal research has been conducted on Mommit and Daddit. Ammari et al. (2018), however, used a software program to search for recurring themes on r/Mommit, r/Daddit, and r/Parenting. The authors found that gender differences were apparent on these subforums. Namely, some commonly discussed topics were distinct between Mommit and Daddit: weight loss and home maintenance were more prevalent on Mommit, whereas custody issues, Do-It-Yourself (DIY) activities, and NICU experiences were more prevalent on Daddit. Key similarities were also found between Mommit and Daddit, such as food preparation, naming children, and sleep concerns. Further, Ammari et al. express that the anonymous nature of the subforums encouraged discussion about sensitive topics, particularly for fathers. Ultimately, their research highlighted how these subforums provide unique virtual spaces that are both "anonymous" and "intimate" (Ammari et al., 2018). The current study aims to build upon the observations in Ammari et al. (2018) by providing qualitative analysis in place of quantitative computer modelling to understand gendered parenting discourses on Reddit. An investigation based in qualitative analysis provides thematic nuance and the identification of sub-themes within categories to compare textual differences in gendered communication online.

Methodology: Cyber Ethnographies in Grounded Research
This research employs a "cyber ethnography," as it explores "cyber socialities in relation to offline practices and communities" (Bjork-James, 2017, p. 119). Cyber ethnographies revolve around immersion in an online community. A researcher is not an "observer" but an "experiencer," Feldman and as such, must always be cognisant of the cyberspace's tone, the emotions underlying posts, and one's own positionality as a researcher (Bjork-James, 2017).
Mommit has 81,300 members. Its full title, "Mommit -Come for the support, stay for the details" highlights the underlying motivation to be a supportive community and space for information exchange in the struggles of mothering. The subforum has the following description: We are people. Mucking through the ickier parts of child raising. It may not always be pretty, fun and awesome, but we do it. And we want to be here for others who are going through the same experiences and offer a helping hand.
Daddit promotes itself as an inclusive, supportive, and humorous space to share in the highs and lows of fatherhood. Daddit has 125,000 members and the following description: This is a subreddit for Dads. Single Dads, new Dads, Step-Dads, tall Dads, short Dads, and any other kind of Dad. If you've got kids in your life that you love and provide for, come join us as we discuss everything from birth announcements to code browns in the shower.
I did not seek informed consent for this study. This decision was in-line with other research conducted on Reddit (see, for example, Ammari et al., 2018;Record et al., 2018;Hollenbaugh & Everett, 2013). My rationale behind this decision follows the logic found in Moreno (2013), who identified three criteria to consider before using digital material without informed consent: is information private, are subjects identifiable, and does it place subjects at risk? First, Reddit is a public website: anyone can access content posted on Mommit and Daddit. Second, this research does not make subjects any more identifiable (inclusion of a quotation, for example, will lead to the Reddit thread, within which their identity remains as anonymous as their account). Third, this research does not pose additional risk to participants, since no new information is released (posts are publicly accessible to all on Reddit).
This study followed a grounded theory approach. A five-step process was used to "construct an explanatory theory that uncovers a process inherent to the substantive area of inquiry" (Tie, Birks, & Francis, 2019, p. 2). First, over a one-month period, I collected data on r/Mommit and r/Daddit. I selected the drop-down tab "New," arranging posts in reverse chronological order. I collected all content from the prior day, establishing a set time frame of 24 hours for posts to generate activity. At the end of each week, I instead selected the drop-down tab "Top" for content from "This Week." This process of data collection allowed me to witness every-day content on the subforums, in addition to seeing what content generated the most weekly activity. I reviewed a total of 334 threads in this stage.
Second, I performed initial coding during the same one-month period. Atlast.ti, a free qualitative software program, was used to collect and initially code data from the subforums. For every collected post, I answered the following questions: Feldman 3. Why is the person posting? (e.g. seeking advice, sharing information, expressing frustration, etc.) What emotions can be identified in the post/comment? (e.g. fear, joy, annoyance, etc.) 4. How do they share their information? (e.g. story, video, photo, meme, etc.) The third step involved "intermediate coding" (Tie et al., 2019). I selected core categories that identify larger concepts common in the data (for example, 'sleep,' 'birth,' or 'work'). Fourth, I proceeded with the "advanced coding" stage, searching for overarching themes that form a "storyline" in the data sample, connecting categories and creating a "comprehensive rendering" of the grounded theory (Tie et al., 2019). Finally, analyzing the advanced coding patterns, I was able to produce a grounded theory that summarized how the unique digital ecologies on Mommit and Daddit negotiate gendered parenting ideologies.
The vast majority of Mommit and Daddit users were young parents and used the subforums to ask questions or share news about pregnancy, babies, and small children. No individual posting within the month-long study period disclosed that they were part of a same-sex relationship. I never assumed sexual orientation, though the majority of users on Mommit and Daddit were members of a heterosexual nuclear family. Gender was only identified based on self-disclosure (e.g. the poster stated their gender) or inferred from lexical cues (e.g. their name was included in their username). Moreover, many mothers are on Daddit, and fathers on Mommit, in addition to Reddit users without children who choose to 'lurk,' comment, or post on either subforum.
The cyberethnography uncovered distinct themes about negotiating gendered discourses on r/Mommit and r/Daddit. These themes have been organized into three overarching categories: parenthood responsibilities, parental identity, and partner relationship.

Parenthood Responsibilities
Daddit and Mommit users are distinct in how users navigate their work and home responsibilities. For example, many fathers on Daddit share a mentality that their work lives are centered around their family life, where their career acts as a way to support their child. One father commented, […] think of your job not as work, but as working for your baby and providing for them. That's a job worth doing. And it makes coming back to their smile every bit better.
In general, as described by Ranson (2001), fathers on Daddit feel that their careers are a "project of the family," suggesting a child-centric but traditional expectation to be the familial provider.
However, many Daddit users reveal their distress about this perceived obligation to go to work, highlighting a conflict with the traditional expectations to work for their families. A significant number of posts and comments on Daddit centre on the guilt felt when a father has to leave his child in the morning to go to work. One post beginning with "Been struggling with going Feldman to work and leaving her every day,' received 1.3k upvotes and nearly 100 commentsone of the most active posts in the data collection. Comments in the thread emphasize the tension between work and home for fathers. For example, Commenter: You're killing me over here...I still have 5 more hours of work to get through. Time to watch videos of her to pass the time. Commenter: My favorite thing about going to work each day, is coming home to see my daughter. Genesoni and Tallandini (2009) touched on the recent transition from authoritative to affectionate fathering, including fathers' growing efforts to take on a larger role in hands-on child rearing. These efforts, however, have created a work-home struggle for fathers. Fathers may feel "torn" by the social pressure to balance traditional expectations about financially providing for the family with more recent expectations about being a "participating father" (Genesoni and Tallandini, 2009). My observations on Daddit echo Genesoni and Tallandini (2009): Daddit suggests that the men's increased domestic involvement has spurred a child-centric view of their daily paid work and negative feelings about leaving their children.
Mothers' discussion around work is less frequent than fathers', but nonetheless present. While Daddit users express that work is highly connected to their responsibilities as a father, mothers on Mommit consider their work lives to be quite distinct from their childcare responsibilities. One example is from a mother seeking advice about the transition back to work after her time as a stay-at-home mom: […] I could really use reassurance from other working moms that going back to work won't take away my mom life. I need to know others are successfully balancing work and motherhood.
The post highlights a perception that a mother's work life is distinct from her role as a mother, and further, that a mother should prioritizes her "mom life" over her work life. A second example comes from a mother wanting to find time to exercise: […] I feel like I have no time in my day for anything other than work and caring for my children. How on earth do you fit mamas do it!? I am struggling here, and all I want to do is set a good, healthy example for my beautiful children.
The mother in the second example stresses how her two commitments, work and home, leave little time for herself. These mothers, like other Mommit users, struggle to navigate their "double day dilemma" (Worthington, 2005). The prevailing narrative on Mommit recognises a dual, but unrelated, obligation to work and home that consumes a mother's time; that said, Mommit users also express frustration about having to juggle their home and work lives.
A second key observation centres on how parents on Mommit and Daddit are involved in hands-on childcare. In fact, the majority of posts on both Mommit and Daddit discuss some aspect of caregiving. Diaper changing, sleep, feeding, outings, birth announcements, and baby pro-Feldman ducts are popular topics within both communities, suggesting shared child rearing responsibilities between mothers and fathers. However, despite involvement from both mothers and fathers in caregiving, the content suggests a difference in approach to care.
Many posts on Mommit seek advice about childcare, child health, or child behavior. Mothers frequently look for information, tips, or tricks to improve their mothering skills or their child's wellbeing. Along with the aim for mothers to problem-solve childcare concerns, many mothers express significant guilt and worry that they are failing their child or forming bad habits in their children. For example, the following first-time mother asked for advice with her "very fussy 6 month old": […] Is this normal for this age? She is currently teething but she has been doing that for about 2 months now. I also heard this is usually another time for growth spurts? I could really use some gentle advice please, I'm starting to feel like a terrible mom.
Many mothers on Mommit blame themselves for 'improperly' raising or protecting their child. This 'bad mom guilt' discourse is pervasive on Mommit and is coupled with the perceived responsibility for users to raise good children. Essentially, positively impacting child development appears to be a marker of good mothering. Hays' phrase, "intensive mothering" involves "the commitment to emotionally demanding, financially draining, labor-consuming child-rearing" (Hays, 1996, p. 4). This dominant ideology of mothering emphasises the existence of a "proper approach" to raising children, and it is the mother's duty to actualize this approach (Hays, 1996, p. 9). Much like Hays' (1996) description of intensive mothering, mothers on Mommit felt responsible for investing their time and energy to positively influence their child's development.
Fathers on Daddit similarly displayed a responsibility to be present and invest full energy to care for their children. Fathers are likely to post photographs displaying father-child bonding activities, babies sleeping on them, playing with their children, or children eating. For example, one commenter wrote: A good dad cares and a good dad is present, everything else is just styles of parenting. Let them know you love them and that you'll be there for them and the rest will work itself out.
This thread demonstrates a perception that a "good dad" is caring, present, and loving. Simply, being involved in their child's life appears to be a marker of good fathering on Daddit. This narrative contests stereotypical breadwinning responsibilities, and promotes an expectation of involved, child-centric 'intensive fathering.' Consequently, Mommit and Daddit users alike strive to be an intensive caregiver, concerned with investing their time and energy towards their children.
Yet the Daddit thread above, and other similar threads, display an approach to childcare that is different to Mommit. Childcare on Daddit is regularly depicted as a priority in the father's life, but it is rarely discussed as a project, as it was on Mommit. Mommit users hold an expectation that positively impacting child development marks good mothering, but Daddit users hold an ex-Feldman pectation that being present for your child marks good fathering. Thus, there is a gendered difference between a perceived responsibility for mothers to shape their child and a perceived responsibility for fathers to spend time with their child.
Gendered divides in caretaking roles and responsibility therefore demonstrate that intensive mothering practices on Mommit are distinct from intensive fathering practices on Daddit, even if devotion to raising children is shared between mothers and fathers on both subforums. Mommit is dominated by posts asking advice on child rearingchild health, behavior, developmentand mothers expressing guilt or worry that they are raising their children incorrectly. Intensive mothering practices on Mommit, it appears, follow Lareau's description of middle-class "concerted cultivation," wherein a mother invests time, energy, and money to shape her child's development (Lareau, 2003). For fathers on Daddit, the priority is about whether they care for their child, not how they care for their child. Fathers on Daddit feel a responsibility to spend quality time with their child, frequently shown through pictures of child bonding activities and discussions suggesting that good fathers are involved fathers. Fathers on Daddit follow Dermott's (2008) description of "intimate" fatherhood, which asserts that contemporary fathering prioritizes the development of emotional bonds with their children, a bond that forms through shared activities (Dermott, 2008). In short, the intensive caretaking responsibility for mothers on Mommit is concerned with 'cultivated' parenting, whereas the intensive caretaking role for fathers on Daddit is concerned with 'intimate' parenting.

Parental Identity
The Imperfect "Mama Bear" There are two parallel themes surrounding motherhood identity: the mother who strives to be a 'super mom,' sharing her successes, and the mother who accepts the disastrous (sometimes comical) moments of parenting, sharing her imperfection. The 'perfect mother' mentality reproduces traditional gendered parenting expectations, and is seen in mothers who post about their aptitude in domestic work, having a productive day with the kids, or de-escalating chaotic situations (i.e. good child management). These women feel proud that they embody the 'super mom' ideal, as a mother who can 'do it all.' One mother, for example, shared her story about her day with an ill child, writing, I did it all. Down 4 flights with a toddler and a stroller. Up 4 flights with a toddler and a stroller and bags of groceries. Down 4 flights with the laundry, back up. Down 4 flights with the trash. Back up. Down to collect the laundry, back up. And to top it off, deep cleaned and cooked a rib eye roast with potatoes and squash. I know there are a lot of times I can do better by him but today, he's happy even sick, playful and I did wonderful! Parallel to affirming the traditional 'perfect mothering' narrative, Mommit also provides a judgement-free venue for women to share stories about the imperfect parts of motherhood. Many Feldman mothers use Mommit as a place to hold conversations that normalize perceived imperfections with a mother's self-image. For example, Mommit promotes a positive space for women who struggle with post-partum depression (PPD) or post-partum anxiety (PPA). One mother commented: Ah, those postpartum hormones. Baby blues are completely normal and should go away after two or three weeks. Just be sure to watch for signs of PPD. Mine was really bad around 6 months and my son is now 13 months and I still have bad days.
Mommit also normalizes the experiences of mothers who didn't feel an instant sense of unconditional love for their child. One post was titled "I felt love for my daughter today." A mother disclosed her struggle with PPD, and guilt that she didn't 'naturally' love her child. The "edit" was added after she initially posted the content. She writes: […] I'm so excited I just had to share with SOMEBODY because I was too ashamed to admit that those feelings of love and affection didn't come naturally for me with anyone I know in real life. It wasn't a "my-heart-is-going-to-burst" moment (though I'm hopeful I'll get there) but today I was able to say "I love you" and really mean it. Thank God for better living through chemistry...Because I was genuinely terrified. I was never going to bond with my girl. I can't wait for these feelings to grow! Edit: Thank you all so much for sharing your stories and support! I'm touched, and so glad there exists a community of women to cheer each other on The poster shares her deep concerns about whether she is a 'good' mother, revealing her feelings of being "genuinely terrified" that she would not be able to satisfy normative expectations. Yet the thread works to normalize PPD, contests the stereotype that mothers are naturally expert caregivers, and asserts that it may take time to love your child. Thus, the thread names, and reifies, the gendered expectations that women with children are naturally gifted nurturers, but simultaneously contests this expectation.
Another common theme surrounding self-identity on Mommit involves women with children who do not want to be defined solely as 'mother.' An example comes from this post, "Just a Rant -Stop Assuming I only Want to Talk About Being a Mom or That I Drink bc of My Kids." In the comments, a mother adds: The thing is, we mom's don't want to lose our 'pre-momming' identity. There is more to us than diapers, spit up, sleepless nights, co-sleeping and breastfeeding. One of my biggest fears was losing me when I got pregnant, even though we wanted our baby completely and whole heartedly. I get you girl, you're not 'just' a mom. You're a woman with so many other likes and dislikes, hobbies, maybe a career (maybe not, we're all different), and it's ok to want to step out of momming for just a little bit to rediscover the things you can't like you used to."

Feldman
It is in these counter-normative moments about identity that users display self-awareness about gendered parenting expectations. Mommit users explicitly dismantle these dominating mothering discourses about perfect mothering. By displaying both 'perfect' and 'imperfect' mothering narratives, Mommit acts as a platform that can delve into the negative aspects of motherhood, but also congratulate women for their successes as mothers. As a result, the prevailing message about self-identity on Mommit holds that there is no singular way to be a mother, a woman is not singularly a mother, and mothering comes with highs and lows.
A final narrative about motherhood identity prevalent on Mommit relates to the frequently used terms, "mama" or "mama bear." Language always carries particular connotations, and is especially important when unpacking discursive struggles about parenting and motherhood (Mackenzie, 2018). What does it mean to be a "mama bear"? Mothers self-label, or refer to other mothers as "mama," with messages like the following: You're super momma! You can face anything! Hang in there. Mama you go ahead and punch that wall! No judgement here. Oh mama you are so strong. Please don't put this all on yourself. I was pretty much in mama bear mode (no growling though lol). I want to prepare myself for those situations before they happen. They could've seriously injured your precious little guy. Bring out the mama bear! The name "mama" within this context implies nurture, protection, resilience, and strength. A mama loves and guards her child, and persists in the face of adversity. "Mama" appears to be a universally applicable name on the subforum. The underlying notion of what it meant to be a mother therefore ties back to traditional nurturing instincts: a mama cares. This observation agrees with Chen's (2013) investigation of mommy blogs. Chen suggests that the term "mommy" holds women to a place of "digital domesticity" (Chen, 2013). The phrase 'mama' has similar power; it extends female domesticity into the digital world. However, unlike typical understandings of female domesticity, implying the submission of women into the home life, the use of 'mama' on Reddit also implies strength and grit alongside domestic acuity. A mother on Mommit is not made submissive or docile through use of the term 'mama,' but supported and empowered.

"Peak Dad"
Daddit users reveal distinct characteristics about ideal fatherhood. One of the most popular posts (1.2k upvotes, 74 comments) was a photo showing a young child playing in a kiddie pool, with the father standing in the pool beside her, wearing a sun hat and swimsuit, drinking beer. The picture was captioned "I've done it. I've reached peak dad." One commenter summarized: Many comments added other items that would enhance the "peak dad" aesthetic, such as "white socks and sandals," a "farmer tan," "a camp chair with the front legs inside [the pool]," or "a perfect lawn." The thread is easy-going and playful, suggesting a fathering goal to be involved in childcare and not take life too seriously. Daddit users also post about, and upvote, content showing outdoor play activities, such as fishing or baseball. These fathers promote an appreciation for middle-class and stereotypically American activities. As LaRossa (2005, p. 141) writes, "whoever wants to know the heart and mind of American fatherhood […] had best be familiar with the symbolism "connected to a father 'teaching a child how to catch and throw a ball,' a symbolism centred on caring, involved fathering." Daddit users post, upvote, and positively comment in response to these 'all-American' ideals. Posting behavior affirms that many men on Daddit selfidentifyor promote an identity on social mediawith fun, easy-going, involved fathering.
Daddit also presents a counter narrative to the 'all-American dad' ideal. A discourse is seen in posts about "badass" fathering, with fathers that teach their children, through example, to resist society's normative expectations. These fathers are praised by the Daddit community for teaching their child to be individual and strong-minded. The most popular post in the data collection period was from a father who gave his daughter a haircut. He shared a picture in which he and his daughter look into each other's eyes, both sporting their mohawks: Original poster: My six year old daughter has been asking for months to have a mohawk like her daddy. I cut it for her today. My kid is a right badass. Commenter 1: Yeah. You need to print and frame this to hang in the house right now. So much power and love in this image! Commenter 2: Her daddy is a right badass, have you looked in the mirror. Holy cow bud, I'm super jelly. Gotta get my tattoo game up Commenter 3: You, sir, are an awesome dad. This is an amazing photo.
The father supported his daughter in resisting stereotypically feminine hairstyles, and the Daddit community applauded his "badass" behaviour. Weitz (2001) discusses how hairstyles are mediated by power dynamics, and the ability to resist dominant hairstyles is an act of resistance to female subordination. The father's post, and the overwhelming number of upvotes and positive comments, highlight that Daddit can act as a space to enable such resistance to feminine norms.
Overall, this thread revealed how the Daddit community praised fathers who are "badass," and the discussion validated an alternative to the 'all-American' fathering image. Topics surrounding this alternative narrative praise fathers for teaching children to be strong and independent from normative pressures. As Kopak and Sefiha (2015, p. 99) write, being "badass" is an attempt to "engage in deviant behavior" counter to the "conventional social structure the Feldman majority of people adhere to." Being badass is about "toughness" (Kopak & Sefiha, 2015). Fathers on Daddit demonstrate that tough men can be great fathers, and further, prioritize teaching their children to have the same toughness and confidence to be themselves.
A significant proportion of Daddit content also involves a father asking permission to join the "dad club" after his child is born, or commenters welcoming a new father into "the club" after a successful delivery. Below are a few posts and comments from different threads that illustrate this phenomenon: Commenter: Welcome to the club, Dad! Poster: New dad here, requesting permission to come aboard. Poster: I'd like to submit my entry. I call her: Cecilia.
The 'dad club' phenomenon indicates that the birth period is highly transformative for fathers on Daddit. Without the embodied experience of pregnancy, Miller explains that birth is a "critical turning point as the men become fathers" (Miller, 2011, p. 84). This active adoption of a father identity at the birth period may explain why birth announcements were far more common on Daddit than Mommit. After the birth of their children, these men seek to join the community of other dads in the 'dad club' who are equally invested in being an involved and supportive father. In contrast, mothers on Mommit rarely announce an initiation into motherhood during the birth period. If anything, some pregnant women on Mommit already identify as a mother (for example, one 30-week pregnant women prepped the baby's room so she "could finally accept the realism of it all"). My observation that fathers on Daddit must work to adopt the role as a father in the birth period reaffirms a gendered divide in parenting regarding when parental identity commences. Parents invoke traditional narratives insofar as women's mothering identity is assumed, while men's fathering identity is actively established.
Finally, areas of Daddit facilitate open discussions about men's mental health in relation to parenting and break down hegemonically masculine narratives surrounding fatherhood and mental illness. One father disclosed his current struggle with the birth of his child, waking up each day with a "wave of panic and anxiety." He added that he is considering seeing a psychiatrist, and called out for advice or someone with similar experiences. The top commenter wrote: When people break their arm, they wear a cast so it can heal. If you need meds and therapy, go for it. You've little to lose and a lot to gain. EDIT: A decline in mental health is not just commonly seen in women postbirth, but in their partners as well. You're not alone.
Another example regarding the breakdown of hegemonically masculine ideals comes from one of the most popular posts on Daddit (2.2k upvotes, 144 comments). The post included a video of a baby taking his first steps between the father and mother. The father, seeing his child walk for the first time, began to cry. The post is titled "My 11 month old took his first steps today, safe to say I handled it quite manly." Many fathers responded with testimony that they too cried during Feldman their child's first steps, that the original poster handled it exactly like a father should, or celebrating the display of emotion. Some commenters extended the discussion to masculinity in general. For example, Crying IS manly. Loving IS manly. Having and expressing emotions IS manly. And you're the manliest. :-) happy Father's Day!! Daddit challenges mental health stigma. Madge and O'Connor's study on BabyWorld suggests that a female-dominated virtual parenting space could empower women (Madge & O'Connor, 2006). The authors learned that women using BabyWorld "felt that they had gained, in an empowering sense, from being members of this virtual parenting community" (Madge & O'Connor, 2006). My investigation on Daddit expands on this research to show that a maledominated online parenting space can similarly empower men. The community of dads challenge hegemonic ideas about masculinity, normalizing discussions around men's mental health and men displaying 'sensitive' emotions as fathers.

Partner Relationship
There were many instances that affirm the gendered parenting discourse of "maternal gatekeeping, where both Mommit and Daddit display mothers "controlling," "encouraging," and "discouraging" father participation in child rearing, as described by Puhlman and Pasley (2017). As a result, both Mommit and Daddit reproduce the patriarchal norms of mother-as-primarycaregiver and father-as-secondary-caregiver, regulated through the mother's direction. For example, many Mommit users appear to operate under a dyadic family relationship (mother-child), while many Daddit users talk about a triadic family relationship (father-mother-child). Many fathers on Daddit are concerned with supporting the mother, as she cares for their child(ren) (during pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding, the mother's sleep, etc.), but mothers on Mommit rarely show concern for supporting the father in childcare. These three examples from different threads on Daddit highlight this theme: Poster: I am back to work now, but Mom is struggling with the sleep deprivation and I don't know what to do. Looking for your help/advice. Commenter: As I go downstairs to the laundry room to take off my filthy work clothes, I hear my son (1.5) running to find me while yelling. Then I take the kids outside to play so my wife can have some 'mommy time.' Poster: My wife decided we needed [a playground] so I found a beat up one on Craigslist, brought it home and fixed it up, and then expanded it a fair bit.
Thus, mothers appear to have the ability to facilitate and inhibit the father's caretaking, as well as possess the role as the "ultimate decision-maker" for household maintenance (Puhlman and Pasley, 2017).
On Mommit, small language difference, such as using "I" instead of "we" when discussing Feldman the parent-child relationship, highlights how many mothers commonly operate with a dyadic mindset. As an example, consider threads centered around sleep. A typical post on Daddit, "If we put her down with her head to the north, by morning she wakes up with her head south," contrasts with a typical post on Mommit, "She nurses herself to sleep and when I put her down she wakes right up and wiggles around, whines" (emphasis added).
It is also clear that many fathers on Daddit experience frustration over being forced into a secondary caregiving role. Users describe how hard it is when the baby will only settle for the mother ("only goes down for mama"), their frustration that their paternity leave is too short ("How am I supposed to leave this face?"), or their annoyance about a lack of diaper change stations in men's washroom ("men change diapers too"). The men frequently point to societal restraints that have made the baby period difficult as a father. These threads demonstrate the frustrations of trying to navigate being a parent in "a woman's domain" (Salzmann-Erikson & Eriksson, 2013, p. 385). In these discussions, where fathers feel that their caregiving ability is restricted, users express an awareness about gendered parenting norms and fathers explicitly talk about parenting expectations. One thread about installing change stations in men's washrooms includes this comment: It's really sad that there are still places even here in Canada where Mothers are somehow expected to be the ones who shoulder the responsibilities of caring for children. Empowering engaged fathers should be a no-brainer.
The comment demonstrates a contention with the secondary caregiver expectation placed on fathers, resisting the pressures of being forced into the role of a secondary parent. In-line with this contention, Daddit also provides a space for many single-dads and empowers men as sole caregivers. The forum allows single fathers to connect with other single fathers when, as these fathers express, there are few alternatives and limited resources. For example, a single dad going through a divorce posted a drawing his daughter made for him with the two of them hugging. Another user commented: As a single father with total care of my daughter the road can be rough and sometimes feels like it will never end but even in the darkness there's light to be found.
This thread highlighted that Daddit can act as a platform to support men as primary caregivers. However, fathers that were positioned as the main caregiving parent were exclusively single fathers. Men with children and a partner continue to reproduce a patriarchal stratification where mothers are the primary carer and fathers are the secondary carereven if fathers frequently discuss their frustration with this dichotomization.
Unlike Daddit, Mommit users do not explicitly display frustration about having to adopt the role as a primary carer. Rather, a woman on Mommit will express worry or fear that they are inadequate and unable to take on this role, highlighting an implicit contention with the presumed expectation to be a primary caregiver. That is, women do not openly question the pressure to be the main carer, even if they feel stressed about the transition into this role. For example, this mother Feldman asked for advice for when her husband returned to work after paternity leave. The mother wrote, […] I have really bad anxiety about doing it alone while he's at work. I know people do it every day, but I know nothing about babies and this is all so new to me.
[…] How am I going to function with a newborn on my own through the day? What makes it easier? I am so scared and while I do have a great support system, it's hard to find anyone available during the weekdays to help out. Please give me some tips, I'm freaking out! The mother was "scared" and "freaking out" about having to adopt the primary caregiving role. By doing so, she contested the problematic gendered expectation that she is an all-knowing carer, and that she should naturally possess the skills to care for her newborn. However, the presumption that she will stay home to care for the child when the father returns to work was undisputed, and instead framed as an internal issue. This internalized misogynistic expectation that the father will return to work while she learns how to care for the child prompted her to ask advice from other mothers about how to take on the presumed role as a primary carer.
My findings again show that this frustration in the real world manifested online. On Daddit, fathers tend to point to larger social issues as the root of their frustration (e.g. paternity leave legislation, or lack of change tables in men's washrooms). However, even with their frustrations, fathers on Daddit still fall back into a more traditional role as a provider and secondary caregiver. Mothers on Mommit tend to turn to family or personal issues as the root of their concern (e.g. needing to improve caretaking skills to meet expectations), and despite their distress, still adopt the primary childcare responsibility. Ultimately, even though a gendered caretaking role is apparent between partners, these expectations are often met with explicit or implicit contention.

Conclusion
Reddit.com is a digital arena that reflects and shapes ideology in real-time. Users coconstruct community preferences by prioritizing particular posts above others, for all to view. Reddit subforums, Mommit and Daddit, offer a constantly updating window into current norms surrounding motherhood and fatherhood. Reddit provides the rare environment in which a maledominated parenting forum (Daddit) has more users than a female-dominated parenting forum (Mommit). My investigation contributes to the hardly present body of research regarding digital interaction and fatherhood, as well as emerging gender comparisons between mothers and fathers on online media.
My analysis builds on Ammari et al.'s (2018) research on Mommit and Daddit by demonstrating four dominant discourses surrounding gendered parenthood. First, when unpacking perceived parental responsibilities, it is clear that both mothers and fathers show 'child-centric' parenting with a shared devotion to raising children, but there are gendered differences in approaches to care. Mothers display 'intensive mothering' practices, using Mommit to actively seek information, advice, and support to enhance their mothering, while fathers display 'intimate Feldman fathering' practices, using Daddit to share and appreciate the processes of bonding with their child(ren). Second, regarding constructions of motherhood identity, Mommit users uphold the notion of an 'imperfect mama bear': a woman with children can share both the highs and lows of mothering; is not solely defined by her motherhood identity; and is naturally resilient and nurturing (this final characteristic simultaneously empowers and subjugates women). Third, regarding constructions of fatherhood identity, Daddit users simultaneously praise the 'average joe' middleclass American fathering ideals, characterized by laid-back, fun, and involved fathering, in addition to 'badass' fathering narratives that endorse counter-normative fathering ideals. Finally, both Mommit and Daddit demonstrate 'maternal gatekeeping' tendencies, which perpetuate a patriarchal family system. Users describe dyadic (mother-child) versus triadic (father-motherchild) relationships for mothers and fathers respectively. Even though the (re)production of a primary-secondary caregiving divide within partner relationships is evident, it is also contested. I observed how fathers dispute societal expectations of being constrained to the role of secondary caregiver, with a desire to be viewed as equal caregivers. For mothers, I saw how anxiety manifests in response to the assumption that women with children must take on the role of primary caregiver.
These discourses highlight that Mommit and Daddit simultaneously challenge and reiterate gendered parenting discourses. Even with clear gendered divides in parenting, these online spaces demonstrate tensions with gendered parenting expectations. That is, Mommit and Daddit reveal fears and frustrations with imposed caretaking divides. Yet my findings suggest that Mommit and Daddit users cannot escape offline stereotypes and normseven if parents strive for egalitarian roles, or express frustration or distress about gendered expectations, they still fall subject to traditional inequalities within family systems that maintain a primary-secondary caregiving divide. This research thus supports the idea that, despite a shift towards gender convergence, "gender still matters" (Palkovitz et al., 2014) in parenting conceptualizations.
This study contributes to family sociology by exploring the intersection between technology, gender, and parenthood. My analysis illuminates how CMC reflects offline socializing processes that uphold a primary-secondary caregiving divide. Importantly, Mommit and Daddit also reflect efforts to redefine in more egalitarian terms what it means to be a parent. The subforums display discourses that work to normalize maternal imperfection and affirm paternal involvement. Further research should explore online parenting forums as a means to unpack the intimate connection between digital and non-digital practices. There is still much to understand about the ways in which digital platforms provide insight into the division of responsibilities surrounding child rearing and caregiving. It is key to further investigate gender and parent equity online, to understand current perceptions of motherhood and fatherhood, to examine the shifting workings of patriarchal power, and to advocate for accepting environments online and in the household.